Death By Shark
by Ironic-Kiwi
Summary: Duo is telling Hilde a bedtime story. It takes place on a pirate ship captained by Quatre and crewed by the rest of the Gundam gang.


"Duo, tell me a story!" Hilde demanded as she stepped into her older brother's room. 

"What?" Duo was lying face down on his un-made bed, his stereo blasting as usual. Hilde stalked through the ankle-deep layer of dirty clothing and miscellaneous items that littered her brother's bedroom floor to his stereo, which she violently turned off.

"I said," Hilde reiterated, "Tell me a story!" she glared at her brother's prone form, torn between disgust at his utter laziness and awe at his ability to lie motionless for hours on end, listening to the radio blast indecipherable lyrics about questionable subjects.

"Again?" Duo rolled onto his side and opened an eye so he could glare properly at his little sister. "I just told you a story last night!"

"Well, I want another one. Come on, I'm all ready for bed and everything." Hilde waded over to her brother's bed and grabbed his wrist. Duo allowed her to haul him to his feet by his arm. By the time he was standing up, she was panting slightly, because Duo hadn't helped her very much with her effort of getting him to his feet.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!" Duo growled in mock ferocity. Hilde giggled and ran from the room, her brother lagging behind, muttering under his breath.

When he got to her room, Hilde was bouncing happily on her bed, making it groan under her slight weight. "Get in," Duo ordered. Hilde obediently crawled under her green and blue comforter and waited patiently as Duo sat himself at her feet on the bed.

"Okay...a story...Hmmm..." Duo rubbed his chin thoughtfully, totally devoid of story ideas and not wanting to admit it. Time to try my old standby, he mused.

"Okay. This is a story about a-"

"Pirate," Hilde supplied. Duo allowed himself a small grin as his sister told him exactly what he needed to get started.

"Yep. A pirate. Named-"

"Quatre Rababera Winner," supplied the girl. Duo glanced over at her and noticed she was hugging her favorite new plushie doll. He rolled his eyes and continued:

"Yes. Quatre the pirate was the captain of his pirate ship, the, uh-"

"Peacemillion," she announced.

"_The Peacemillion_. Captain Winner was well beloved by his crew, as he had single handedly lead them to becoming the richest pirates to ever sail the seven seas," Duo paused, prayed briefly for divine inspiration, and continued, "One day, the look out-"

"Mr. Chang" quipped Hilde.

"Mr. Chang was up in the crow's nest, watching for likely looking victims, when he called down to the decks below-"

"Ship ahoy!" Hilde bounced on her bed, her arms wrapped firmly around the unfortunate blonde plushie doll as she waited for her brother to continue.

"Yes," Duo said, grateful for once at his sister's interrupting nature. He had no clue where this story was going, and was grateful for her annoying but helpful hints as to what would satisfy her.

"Mr. Chang had spotted a very fine, first class luxury yacht, just begging to be plundered. Captain Winner immediately called a change course, so the helmsman-"

"Mr. Barton," Hilde supplied.

"-Began swinging the great pirate ship around on an intercept course. In due time, _The Peacemillion_ ran even with the luxury yacht. They were close enough now to discern the yacht's name, _The Peacecraft_," Duo had picked up on Hilde's theme for this particular story, and when he glanced at her, he saw he had chosen correctly. "Captain Winner quickly ordered most of his crew to board the vessel and plunder at will, and also to bring the owner of the yacht back to the ship alive and well, because if he had guessed correctly, than the owner of this particular yacht was one of the most important people in the world, and would bring a very fine ransom from many different sources.

"In due time, Winner's men had returned with many valuable things: gold and jewels, piles of money, some fabulous carpets and tapestries, and the ship's owner-one Miss Relena Darlin. She was bound but not gagged, by order of Captain Winner.

" 'Because she's a lady,' was his lame reason."

"Why didn't he gag her?" Hilde demanded.

"Because then the story wouldn't work. Just wait and see!" Duo told her. "Now where was I...?"

" 'Because she's a lady,' " Hilde imitated Duo's deeper voice blithely.

"Oh, yes, that's right! So, they took Miss Darlin to the nicest prison cell, and even went so far as to outfit it with a couple of the rugs and tapestries that they'd looted from her yacht. Of course, they chained her to a wall, like a proper prisoner, but she could move about, after a fashion, and feed herself and the like. All in all, it was a very nice cell, but for some reason, she didn't appreciate it. The first person to hear her grievances was the prison guard, Mr. Yuy.

" 'The nerve of you people, putting this carpet you've stolen from me in here! And this tapestry! Don't you people know anything? These don't match! How dare you torture me so! I demand you come in here and remove these offending color schemes from my sight immediately, if not sooner! Hey! Isn't anyone listening?'

"Of course, Mr. Yuy, not being given to much talk, managed to ignore Miss Darlin's ravings for the most part. But as they went on and on, he sometimes found himself nearing her cell door, his rapier drawn with every intention of slitting her throat. But he could never quite do it. So, poor Mr. Yuy sat and listened to Miss Darlin's fanatical, obsessive ravings for most of his shift, until Mr. Chang, who was coming to feed the prisoner, came to keep him company.

" 'What in the world is this? Chinese food? First you attempt to deprive me of my sanity with these ridiculous color schemes, and then you try to starve me by feeding me Chinese cuisine? What kind of pirate ship is this? I demand to speak to the captain! And I am not eating this slop!'

"Miss Darlin hurled the food, dish by dish, at the wall of her cell. Mr. Yuy cringed at the sound of the fine china tableware smashing against the wall, and Mr. Chang quivered with rage as the food he had so painstakingly prepared for the prisoner slid down the cell wall and onto the floor.

" 'That's the last time we try to be nice to her by feeding her from her own china,' Mr. Yuy muttered to Mr. Chang.

" 'And that's the last time I cook for her!' Mr. Chang muttered back.

"Mr. Yuy and Mr. Chang sat together in companionable silence as they listened to the irritating Miss Darlin voice loudly her opinions of the various crimes and transgressions that had been committed against her. None of them were very nice, to say the least. When Mr. Barton came to relieve Mr. Yuy and Mr. Chang of their stressful duty, it was all they could do not to break out in tears and kiss Mr. Barton's feet for relieving them of their misery.

"Miss Darlin carried on well into the night, then fell asleep, exhausted and hungry, on the nice bed that Miss Catherine, one of the lady crew members, had fixed up for her.

"This routine continued for a couple of weeks, until every crew member on the _Peacemillion_ had had to guard the prisoner at least once. Captain Winner asked them to keep their patience, because the replies for his ransom notes had not come back yet. However, the crew-"

"How would the replies get back? They're in the middle of the ocean!" Hilde interrupted.

"Obviously the Peacemillion has some sort of instant messaging system." Duo replied irritably. "Now quit interrupting, or I'll leave." He glared at his little sister to get the message across.

"Sorry," Hilde apologized, hugging her plushie doll close and staring fearfully at her brother, lest he go through with his threat.

"Now, as I was saying," Duo continued, "The crew members were very vehement in their arguments to either a.) ditch Miss Darlin on some desert island and be done with it, b.) stuff someone's old sock in her mouth or c.) feed her to the sharks. At first, Captain Winner begged his crew to remain steadfast until the ransom replies had arrived. However, the piles of money he had been hoping for failed to pile up, and the only reply to his ransom notes was a mocking letter that read as follows:

Dear Sirs,  
We would like to thank you for capturing and holding Miss Darlin for us. She has become quite an annoyance ever since that 'Queen of the World' fiasco, and quite honestly, we are happy to be rid of her. I've never met anyone with a more inflated ego in my life. To tell you the truth, we didn't really want to even write back, but as we're all proper stuck-up politions, someone had to write, and as her only living relative, I have been given the duty of replying to your ransom note. I would just like to say, if you want to give her back, you will have to pay us to take her. Have a nice life.  
(MWA HA HAA HAA HAAAA!)  
Sincerely yours,  
Millardo Peacecraft

So, now that he knew there would be no profit in holding Miss Darlin any longer, Captain Winner decided to hold a democratic meeting in regards to his crewmen's request, to decide once and for all what should be done with the prisoner.

" 'Since we all know why this meeting has been called to order,' Captain Winner began, 'I'll simply cut to the chase. We have three options open to us at this point, regarding the fate of our prisoner, Miss Darlin. Now, if you would please raise your hand when I call out a proposed course of action, we will get this out of the way as quickly as possible. Choice one: Dump Miss Darlin on a desert island somewhere and be done with it.'

"No one raised their hands. 'Ooo-kay,' said Captain Winner, marking the result of that choice down on his official little memo pad. 'Choice two: Stuff someone's dirty sock in her mouth to cut off the insults,'

"Three people, including Captain Winner, raised their hands. Captain Winner dutifully noted this down on his little memo pad, even though it now was obvious what the result of this vote would be.

" 'Everyone for feeding her to the sharks?' Captain Winner asked. Hands shot up around the table, accompanied by enthusiastic shouts and whistles. 'Gosh, is she really that bad?' Captain Winner asked, surprised. The resulting cacophony of noise at this question assured Captain Winner that yes, indeed, Miss Darlin really was that bad, and that she deserved what was coming to her.

" 'Well, then, the majority rules. We will feed Miss Darlin to the sharks-'

" 'Right now!' pleaded the assembled crew.

" 'Uh, right now!' Captain Winner agreed, not wanting to cause any discord amongst his already wound up crewmembers.

" 'Anticipating the outcome of this vote, I changed course to the Conveniently Placed Insanely Shark Infested Waters about an hour ago. We've just arrived,' Mr. Barton informed the captain.

" 'Very good, Mr. Barton. Mr. Yuy, Mr. Chang? I believe that Miss Darlin has caused you the most emotional scarring. You may bring her topside and escort her to the plank.' Captain Winner announced.

" 'Yay!' In a very uncharacteristic display of enthusiasm and happiness, Mr. Yuy and Mr. Chang danced from the meeting hall down to the prisoner blocks, where they gleefully gagged Miss Darlin for the short journey topside, and bound her hands in rope. By the time they got back to the topside, the entire crew had gathered, and the ship's minister, Father Maxwell, had a few words for Miss Darlin.

" 'May _you **burn in HELL!**_-uh, I mean, may you bask in the heavenly goodness of God the Almighty. Heh. PUSH HER IN!' even Father Maxwell had had to play guard duty to Miss Darlin, and wasn't feeling very loving and fatherly towards her, even though he was a priest.

"Without further delay, Mr. Yuy and Mr. Chang maneuvered Miss Darlin up to the plank, and Mr. Yuy prodded her with his rapier until she had walked off the edge and fallen into the Conveniently Shark Infested Waters below. Everyone crowded to the edge of the ship, hoping to glimpse the obnoxious Miss Darlin being torn apart by the notoriously ravenous sharks. They were not disappointed. Nearly as soon as she hit the water, giant, man-eating sharks rose from the depths and began tearing viciously at her limbs and torso. There was a lot of shrieking, and the water immediately below the plank turned red with Miss Darlin's blood. As soon as the last trace of her disappeared beneath the surface with the angry sharks ripping and tearing at the last few scraps, a great cheer rose from the ranks. Captain Winner got out his fiddle, Mr. Barton pulled out his flute, and Mr. Yuy his cello. The crew of the Peacemillion gleefully chose partners and danced happily to lively music until the sun came up. The end."

Duo turned to his little sister to watch her reaction.

"That was...Awesome!" she exclaimed, clutching her plushie doll tightly.

"Good. I'm glad you liked it." Duo ruffled her hair fondly. "And the moral of the story is..." Duo scratched his chin, trying to think fast. "Don't be annoying...because if you are, you might be abducted by pirates who don't want to put up with it and will throw you overboard to the sharks. Yeah. That's the moral." Duo grinned at his inventiveness.

"Oh," Hilde said. "Well, it's a pretty good moral, I guess," she admitted.

"Right. So remember that next time you want me to tell you a story!" Duo said gleefully.

"Hey!" Hilde bopped him on the head with her plushie doll, and Duo stood up to leave.

"Aw, just kidding, squirt. Now go to sleep." Duo pushed her gently until she lay down.

"I'm makin' you tell me a story tomorrow, too," Hilde said as Duo pulled her covers up around her shoulders.

"Oh yeah?" Duo grinned at her irrepressible behavior.

"Yup. G'night, Duo," Hilde closed her eyes and snuggled down.

"'Night, Hilde. Sleep well." Duo made for the door, turned off the light, and went back to his room. He really couldn't detest his little sister, even though she was pretty annoying at times.

The End

Yah...I had to write a story for English in the 'romantic style' that has to do with emotions and exotic settings and learning lessons and stuff...This is what happened. I actually got 96/100 on it, so I guess that means it's good, eh?


End file.
